Saying it Out Loud

Women are taught all the ways to not get assaulted… Let’s ignore the fact that it’s the attackers fault, but we all know the list below is necessary when it really should have to be.

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So often I’m with someone I know. Someone I’ve talked to enough to tell them that I was molested as a child. We will already be in the midst of a emotionally charged conversation when I say:

“I was sexually abused as a child.”

There is something about that phrase that will make the nicest people I know verbalize violence against those who hurt me. This last time was a very sweet woman I’ve known for about 3 months and she has never been anything other than kind, but with this reveal, I saw her face and demeanor change in a flash. On one hand you could say it’s because she is a women and we women have to stick together, but I don’t fully agree with that. I’ve known male friends who had the same reaction. Time and time again, I’ve revealed this bit of history about myself and I’ve seen all types of reactions, but I have yet to reveal to someone who didn’t believe me.

Well, aside from when I first spoke out as a child. As an adult, I’ve never be accused of being a lying attention seeking brat or a family destroyer.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had negative reactions that leaned towards blaming a 4 year old version of myself for not telling someone sooner. I’ve had to explain to them that these abusers raised me to be complicit in these activities in much the same way that a child will clean their room or eat their vegetables. They don’t want to, they don’t like to, but they do it because an adult they were told to trust by a parent told them they have to do it. As a child, being sexually abused was equivalent to eating my broccoli at dinner. When I explain this to them, I see realization hit their face. Childhood sexual abuse is much more complicated than they expect, and it’s not the same as adult sexual assault.

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Women are taught all the ways to not get assaulted… Let’s ignore the fact that it’s the attackers fault, but we all know the list below is necessary when it really shouldn’t have to be.

  • Don’t drink outside the house
  • Don’t get drunk
  • Don’t do drugs
  • Don’t have sex
  • Don’t let anyone fix you a drink
  • Don’t leave your drink unattended
  • Don’t dress inappropriately
  • Don’t walk inappropriately
  • Don’t tease men
  • Don’t be alone with strangers
  • Don’t walk outside at night
  • Don’t walk alone
  • Don’t wear earbuds or headphones while in public
  • Don’t enter isolated areas
  • Don’t sit in your car in a parking lot
  • Don’t give men the wrong impression
  • Don’t refuse a man’s advances
  • Take self defense classes
  • Stay aware of your surroundings
  • Keep pepper spray on you
  • Hold your keys as a weapon
  • Check inside your car before getting in
  • Stay on the phone when out alone
  • Always walk briskly, confidently, and unencumbered

All of these things are what women are taught so they don’t get sexually assaulted. This shouldn’t even be a thing aside from the fact that most of these only “protect” women from a minuscule percentage of sexual assault situations, not to mention that, and hold on tight here, MEN GET SEXUALLY ASSAULTED TOO! 

The lack of awareness not to mention the lack of appropriate awareness is staggering. Here are some facts that are backed by numbers:

  • You are 3 times more likely to be attacked somewhere you are comfortable instead of walking down the street or sitting in a parking lot. The majority of places where people are assaulted are in their homes, schools, daycare, church, work, and any other place you feel safe.
  • 3 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys will be sexually assaulted before they turn 18. Picture that for a moment. In a classroom of first graders, if there are 8 girls, 6 of them will be victims of sexual assault before they are adults.
  • 75-90% of perpetrators accused will never see trial or jail time.
  • Less than 10% of people are falsely accused.

All of this knowledge and fact is based on reports that are estimated only get filed in less than 30% of those who are abused. Let’s thank RAINN for these numbers. Some of the stats I pulled a few years ago before they updated the page and I kept as notes while writing my Memoir.

We are emphasizing the wrong awareness. Instead we should be teaching children how to identify and say no to family members who want to touch them inappropriately. We should be teaching children personal boundaries and it’s okay to say no to an adult if something bad is happening. We should be teaching all young adults responsibility for their actions and the true meaning of consent. We should be teaching people that sexual assault is a horrible crime where victims struggle to survive. Anyone can be sexually assaulted by anyone. No one is automatically immune to sexual assault because of their age, gender, race, orientation, or any other aspect.

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The outrage for victims should be more than something shared between survivors, victims, friends, and family. Outrage for what is happening should be transparent and announced. Telling me that the thought sickens you does no good if you continue to vote, represent, protect, or support a perpetrator. That is just placating me and that is useless. I don’t need people — victims and survivors don’t need to be placated. We need to be heard and we need justice.

D.A.s need to stop dropping charges because it doesn’t seem like a win for them. Bargaining for a plea of guilty shouldn’t be the only way perpetrators end up in jail. Claims of sexual assault are not the victims fault regardless if they did something irresponsible. The person who sexually assaults another person for any reason is to blame and should be punished. When there is almost no threat of punishment, this horrible crime will not stop. Without that, child predators and even adult predators will continue to abuse because even if they are revealed, all they have to do is find a new victim. I’ll say it one more time…

Perpetrators will only stop when they know they will be caught and punished.

Legislation and culture needs to change so that victims are protected instead of perpetrators. Its wrong to sexually assault another human.

If you’ve been sexually assaulted, I believe you. I don’t need to know your story. I don’t need to meet you. I believe and support the various campaigns that have started up to help awareness and survivors.

#startbybelieving

Author: Amanda the Writer

Eclectic writer, coffee and tea drinker, student of learning and knowledge.

4 thoughts on “Saying it Out Loud”

  1. “We are emphasizing the wrong awareness. Instead we should be teaching children how to identify and say no to family members who want to touch them inappropriately. We should be teaching children personal boundaries and it’s okay to say no to an adult if something bad is happening. We should be teaching all young adults responsibility for their actions and the true meaning of consent. We should be teaching people that sexual assault is a horrible crime where victims struggle to survive.”

    Indeed. I realize some of the things I was entangled in- the false rape allegations, the molestation, the exploitation- happened because I didn’t feel like I was able to say no. I don’t think it was as clearcut as eating vegetables or cleaning my room. It was more that my family taught me that few things I had were mine outright, and that I needed to please people. Definitely little to no boundaries. Yes, my parents exposed themselves to me when I was 6 with the mistaken idea to teach me about gender bodily differences. But it was a long slow slide after that, with the grooming, the molestation, and the exploitation happening in my college years.

    My youngest child has autism. To my chagrin of sorts, he doesn’t have much sense of social boundaries (as if he was born with an extreme form of my family of origin’s lack of boundaries), and we had problems with him being much too close to anyone- from hugging, to slugging. We have him do a proximity exercise with me every single night- where he needs to ask me for a hug and a kiss from a comfortable distance. Sometimes I ask him, instead. We do many other things as well.

    Julie and I worry. You see, his older sibling was abused- oddly enough- it WAS from a practical stranger. But we know from our own experiences that more often, the danger IS from people we know.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m sorry that you and yours also suffered through sexual assault. Many children, some on the spectrum and some off of it struggle with boundaries. I know I struggled with boundaries for many years. When I was younger because I was used to close and inappropriate contact with adults, especially adult men. After my moment of awareness, I felt like all contact was inappropriate, mainly because I didn’t know what was right or wrong at that point. I’m happy that awareness had changed to good and bad places, but I am still a strong believer in not forcing affection.

      ~Stay strong, and remember to take it one day at a time.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Thanks for saying this out loud Amanda because I believe you’re right, we are totally emphasizing the wrong awareness when it comes to child sexual abuse. My perpetrators were people I knew until I hit my mid to late teens and then it’s like it became a free for all. I got into really bad situations and relationships and the sexual abuse became domestic violence and abuse that continued for decades …I just didn’t know any better. Then one day about three years ago I finally started talking about it and like you I haven’t come across one person that doesn’t believe me …well except members of my family of origin. #startbybelieving 🙂

    Like

    1. I’m sorry that you experienced the trauma of childhood sexual assault. The cycle of abuse is easy to fall into and difficult to identify and escape.

      I’m happy that you were able to finally speak about it and find support. It’s amazing how complete strangers will believe you while people who you trust will not.

      ~Stay strong and remember to self care. #startbybelieving

      Like

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